Do animals grieve? Of course they do. Animals of all kinds have sophisticated family systems and interpersonal relationships with one another. Just like us, they form very close bonds with some, and not so much with others. Just like us, they have besties, and when their friend dies, they mourn. And just like us they experience grief in their own unique way.
Evidence shows that human’s aren’t the only creatures to grieve the passing of a loved one, however, it is a challenging thing to study and there is more anecdotal evidence than there is empirical study. Mark Bekoff, former professor of ecology and evolutionary biology at the University of Colorado, Boulder and Author of The Emotional Lives of Animals, cites examples of animals displaying grief in the wild while mourning lost companions and explains that, “categorically denying emotions to animals because they cannot be studied directly does not constitute a reasonable argument against their existence … current interdisciplinary research provides compelling evidence that many animals experience such emotions as joy, fear, love, despair, and grief—we are not alone.”
Animal behaviorists who have studied the bereaved noticed some specific changes in behavior including: increased/decreased need for attention, spending time in the deceased pets favorite spot, decreased appetite, eating more slowly, increased vocalization, decreased activity, sleeping more, and separation anxiety.
In the study of human grief and bereavement there is a distinction made between “normal” vs. “complicated” grief. “Normal” follows an expected trajectory where people move through the process and eventually start to feel better. With complicated grief, something has gone awry and prevents the typical course grievers take. When this happens, when grievers are stuck and just not getting better, we begin to look for what is inhibiting their progress. We often look to past losses that were inadequately grieved, or missing information needed for the healing process to take place. An issue that often comes up is, “I never got to say goodbye”.
This is a typical complicating factor for animals. Their friend just disappeared, they had no closure, and they don’t understand where they went. There are many stories of animals in the wild grieving for a departed family member. So it’s something to consider … sometimes it is extremely helpful to animal companions to have a moment to visit with their friends body, so that they can see for themselves that their friend has passed. Unfortunately, that is not always possible.
Here are a few suggestions to help support your bereaved pet.
- If your pet did not have the opportunity to visit with their friends body it can be helpful to let them smell something that was with their friend after they had passed ie: a clipping of their fur, their collar or blanket or pet carrier, or a paw print that the vet made. It is also helpful to talk to them directly and explain to them what happened to their friend.
- Be a calm/grounding presence, acknowledge for your pet that you know they are sad and let them know it’s ok to be sad. It just takes time. Be patient and respect their needs — if they want more attention give it to them, but best not to force it on them if they just need alone time.
- Keep to normal routines as much as possible—walks, mealtimes, playtime are all supportive activities. Just like with people it’s ok to occasionally offer a distraction, as long as you respect when they say “no”.
One of the most powerful aspects of healing is sharing it with another. Consciously and compassionately offering support and comfort to each other will undoubtedly help you both.
– by Lisa Havelin, MA, MFA, LMFT